Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
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- It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
- As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
- American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
- Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- I gave a party for time-travelers, but I didn’t send out the invitations until after the party. I sat there a long time, but no one came.
- As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.
- Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
- There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Science is good furniture for one’s upper chamber, if there is common sense below.